“Murder on the Set” by Ronald A. Turner 

“Quiet on the set,” Mr. Sherwood yelled as he moved the camera closer to the bed.  “Let’s do this scene with the same blocking we used in rehearsal, but I want all of you to act it out more deliberate.”

It was just another day at work for most of the cast and crew of “Willy Gunn’s Isle,” the most successful comedy in the history of television.  The cast was a pretty amiable group.  It was a pleasure to come to work each day.  The studio lights were bright and the technical crew was silent as they prepared a final take on the scene.  There were about 50 technical people on hand, ranging from the makeup man to the studio gopher (oh, you know him:  the guy they say “hey, go for coffee” or “go for lunch”).  Today was a fairly routine day on the soundstage, but for one unlucky member of the production, it would be the last day on the set, the last day on earth…fade to black, fade to death, roll closing credits.

“Cut!  Print!  Back in one hour, everybody,” Mr. Sherwood instructed as they finished the scene in the billionaire’s hut.  Mr. Sherwood was the genius behind this gem of a television series.  He had PhD’s in both psychology and zoology and he wanted to use

this comedy to represent a social microcosm in which different aspects of society would actually learn that “everybody ain’t gonna be getting along all the time nohow.”

Each character represented a different part of society.  There were the wealthy, the Hollywood glamour girl, the country girl, the educated professional, the misfit and the resourceful bull of a man.

“I’m glad that scene is over.  I’m gonna go drown my sorrows in a ham sandwich,” James said.  He was dressed in his under shorts and a tee shirt.  He had been rather lackadaisical about what he wore on the set ever since he had gotten bit by an iguana lizard a week ago and had to take a painful tetaneus shot on the set.  James was the real veteran actor on the show.  He had started in radio in his native town of Cleveland, but he had climbed to the top fast.  He had acted with Jim English in the classic comedy film “Rebel without a Clause or Dangling Participle” and his favorite film role was in “It’s a Dumb, Dumb, Dumb, Dumb, and Redundant World.”  Because James was a personal friend (are there other types of friends such as impersonal?!) of Mr. Sherwood, the producer/writer/creator/director/ jack of all trades/hyphenated career titles like Woody Allen, Alan Alda and Mel Brooks, he was paid five times what the other cast members received.

“Your ad libs were excellent as always, James.”  Robert said.

“Thanks, my boy.  I always like to say ‘By George and I’ve got the money to buy

George.’  It seems to fit into almost any scene and I wing it from there.”

“You have a natural talent,” Robert added.  Robert had the leading role as Willy Gunn, the inept first mate of the S.S. Bullfrog.  Robert was tall and skinny and looked goofy in his red Rugby shirt and white cap.  But, he was the opposite of what he portrayed in front of the cameras.  He had a college degree in law, a wife and five children.  He loved animals and had an exotic collection including an ostrich in his dressing room.  He was an avid reader, very well coordinated:  a genius in the field of acting.  He had gained thousands of fans on his first series, “Dopie Grimace.”

“James, how about shooting a round of golf during the break?”  Buddy asked.

“Splendid idea.  Shall we go over to the ravine?”

“Yeah, just let me get my clubs out of the car.”  Buddy walked out the doors of the soundstage, whistling loudly.  In the parking lot, his small BMW had it all:  a folding bar, his golf clubs and even his favorite recipe for Boiled Beef Horseradish Sauce.  He grabbed the clubs and walked off with James and Robert toward the ravine above the parking lot.  Buddy was a lover of life, and everyone adored him.  He was the big guy that played the role of everyone’s favorite “Sailor.”  He was 45 years old, six foot three and weighed 240 pounds.  He loved storytelling and laughter.  He and James would often compete for attention.  His enjoyment of life spilt out as naturally as his fat stomach over his belt buckle.  His father had been a famous actor in many movies.  Not only did Buddy like to “putt putt for the fun of it,” but his acting was treated he same way.  He sold vacuum cleaners on the side to supplement his income when he was between jobs.

Due to the successful ratings of “Willy Gunn’s Isle,” Buddy had not had to peddle vacuum cleaners for five years.  He left that job in the dust!  He was happy with his lot in life.

“Dawn, let’s go run some lines for the next scene.  I’ve got some very technical dialogue.”  Russ played the role of the rather erudite and educated man everyone called “Teach.”  He was very pleased with his role on the series, and he had just recently purchased a new home.  His cousin was the famous Scat Man Crothers, and Russ had first started in film as a runaway slave in Haley’s “Roots” where he escaped from an arrogant master played by Robert “The Broody Bunch” Reed.  Russ was now in his 50’s and always remained humble with his fans.  “I’m the superstar, not the movie star” was one of his famous quotes.  He’d often dribble a basketball in and out of the huts between takes and loved to chew on a piece of homegrown watermelon Fed Xed from his new home in Bogart, Georgia.

“Russ, the question I have is about the theme song.”

“What’s your question, Dawn?”

“When will we get some recognition for our contributions and not just be called ‘the others’ in the opening theme?”

“I believe it is just a matter of time.”

Dawn was the pig-tailed actress that portrayed the country girl that was sidekick to the beautiful Hollywood girl on the show.  But, Dawn’s natural beauty was played down.   Dawn had actually been Miss Missouri a year before being cast in the show, and she

received the most fan mail on the series.  She was a people person and had unbelievable energy.  Between seasons, Dawn toured Texas and Arkansas universities where she gave motivational lectures to students enrolled in fiction writing and acting workshops.  She enjoyed the rapport she had with students and enjoyed encouraging writers to send their materials to Mr. Sherwood.  “Write a part for me” she’d often advise with a wink.

As Russ and Dawn walked through the fake foliage, they discussed which Hollywood café they would visit.

“Mr. Sherwood, would you honor us with your presence over lunch?”

“My presence over lunch isn’t very appetizing,” Mr. Sherwood joked.  “But, thanks for the invite, Natalie.”

Natalie played James’ wife on the series, and she was a very accomplished Nashville actress.  She was also the oldest member on the set as well as the richest.  But, she was also the daffiest.  She was just like the airhead she played and would say things like “this island is so dusty” or “I often wish to be alone, especially when I’m by myself.”  Natalie might say these things at home just as she would say them in the script.  She was used to being waited on hand and foot.  Natalie fondled her Chihuahua as she and Louise watched Mr. Sherwood climb up the catwalk.

“Are you going to eat lunch?”  Louise asked.

“No, I’m gonna set the lighting for the next scene and set up all the props.”  At 45, Mr. Sherwood was nowhere near realizing that he might need to begin to realize that it would

be good to realize that others his age were gonna consider retirement in a dozen or so years, give or take 12.  Becoming old hat happened fast in this business, but Mr. Sherwood worked hard at night writing scripts and even harder during the day producing and directing his show.

“Okay, well, don’t wear yourself out,” Louise advised as she and Natalie left the set.  Louise was gorgeous and talented, and she played the role of the television actress who suffers from typecasting. She had red hair that glowed like the dawning sun and green eyes that glimmered like a pool of fresh pond.  She was five foot eight and a half in height and weighed 138 pounds.  Her life was regimented and disciplined.  She started each day at 6:30 a.m. with a cup of carrot juice and she would consume nothing until dinner except for a small salad and buttermilk.  You wouldn’t find Louise off on a Twinkie binge.

From the ravine, James, Buddy and Robert could see the set.  The tropical island set had cost $130,000 to build, and it was elaborate.  Two tons of grainy sand an inch thick covered the concrete floored soundstage on the back lot just off the Hollywood Freeway in Studio City California.  A lot of mornings it was impossible to act like they were on a deserted island because truck horns would be sounding constantly.  The set was a collection of authentic palm trees, flax, Birds of Paradise, carpet grass and magnolias.  The lagoon was a blacktopped lake that looked like an oil spill, and the huts were built of

bamboo and grass.  The show involved lots of sight gags and pratfalls such as Buddy

being hung upside down or having soup thrown in his face.  The set also included a crew of assorted monkeys that had all had their teeth removed.  They couldn’t bite anyone, but they gummed the tar out of the cast and one dysfunctional, senior citizen cuss of a monkey tore half of a guest star’s moustache off his face.  That was a fun day at work!

The cast members and the crew were all back on the set one hour later, but Mr. Sherwood was nowhere to be seen.

“I wonder if he’s been having peaches with brandy without the peaches again.  It’s not like him to be this late,” Natalie said.

“He’s usually here all the time,” Bob added.

Louise let out a sudden scream.  Screams should never be expected.  “Look under the bed.”

Robert and Russ ran to the bed and pulled Mr. Sherwood out from underneath it.  Russ checked his pulse and frowned.  “He’s dead, Jim.”

“But how?”  Natalie asked.

Robert pulled a golf club out from under the bed.  It was stained with blood.  He reached down and turned Mr. Sherwood over.  His head had been smashed.

Two hours passed and each of the cast members was handcuffed and sitting on the beds in the hut.  Police were checking every possible clue.

“Dawn and I went downtown to lunch.  We got back to the set after the three golfers got back.  It had to be one of them.”

“We were all three together while James and I shot a few golf balls into the ravine,” Buddy explained.  “ We heard glass shatter and went to check out my BMW.  I had knocked a ball through the windshield.”

“Louise was with me all during lunch, and we got back right after Russ and Dawn,” Natalie added.

“There’s a loophole here somewhere,” Robert told the police.  There’s no reason for any one of us to want to kill the producer.”

“Mr. Sherwood was a genius, a real family man,” Dawn said as tears streamed down her face.  “We all loved him.”

“Can we honestly say that everyone loved him?”  Buddy asked.

“What you driven at, fat boy?”  Russ asked.

“Well,” Buddy continued.  “There have been some heated discussions on this set ever since President Clinton handed down that bill telling us to disregard all laws about family values.”

“Yeah,” James added.  “I remember a certain argument he had with Robert because Robert felt we should remove Louise from the island because she’s always trying to cause a cleavage crisis with the way she dresses.”

“Cleavage crisis, my rear.”  Louise said.  “You just want this to be a sappy sitcom with no reality.  God gave me some beautiful frontage property, and a little frontage never hurt anyone.”

“A little?”  Robert whined.  “We’re talking the Swiss Alps!  You want to be as naked on camera as you are in your shower at home.”

“I resent that coming from you.  You wouldn’t even pose with me when TV Guide came here to do a cover story.  You’re an arrogant young know-it-all.”

The fire alarm went off on the set.  The studio had fire drills at least once a month.  Nobody else in the studio knew what was going on with this series because Buddy had called the police on his car phone and they came in unnoticed.  The crew was standing in the background being questioned by a few of the officers.

“Well, we’ve got to get you out of here and down to the station,” Officer Irwin Milton Grimm said as he grabbed James and Robert.  Each cast member was handcuffed to another, except for Louise.  Another officer grabbed Buddy and Russ.  A third officer grabbed Natalie and Dawn while the fourth officer grabbed Louise.  Natalie was staggering like she was drunk.

As the officer led James and Robert off the soundstage, James took a swift kick at the golf bag on the set.  He was teed off.  He was a veteran actor and it was really silly to accuse him of murder.

The golf bag fell over and out fell some sawed-off golf clubs.  “Stop it right there,” Officer Grimm said as he bent over and examined the golf bag.  “We may have found the answer.

Grimm dumped the contents of the golf bag onto the bed.  There were about eight

issues of SMUT magazine, a pornographic literary publication that featured famous  actresses who wanted to share it all.  The address labels were addressed to Mr. Sherwood.

The officers gathered around and started thumbing through the magazines.  It was not a pretty sight.  Nor was it a serious sight.  It looked like a scene from a Mel Brooks movie.  The officers whistled and cheered and shared the centerfolds of their favorites.

A note fell out of one of the issues.  It sailed lightly and quietly to the floor.  It might have been missed by these distracted and lustful Keystone Cops if Robert hadn’t called it to their attention.  Grimm picked it up and read it aloud in his Lurch-like voice.  “Mr. Sherwood, I am so ashamed to be part of this dog-sucking show.  I saw the first episode where we got shipwrecked.  I wish the boat could have sunk.  This series is like a lousy cartoon.  Why don’t you get a purple dinosaur named Barney to play my part?  He could sing ‘I Want to Be Loved By You’ real well.   As you must know, actresses can be very sensitive.  I am no exception.  Underneath my beautiful skin are thin, raw nerves that are easily irritated.  Your show irritates me.  I want out of my contract.  I have already posed in SMUT and that will ruin you and this show when word gets out.  Let me out of my contract now or you’ll find your way out, out of this life.  Louise, a disenchanted actress.”

“How did you kill him, Louise?”  Natalie asked as she choked back several tears filling into her eyes.  She was so fond of Louise and her beauty and her talent.  Now it would all go to waste in a prison cell.

“Remember the French bubbly at lunch?”

“Yes, darling, I do.”

“Well, I got you to drink enough of it so that you dosed off for about 20 minutes.  I high-tailed it back here and we argued and I hit him in the head with the golf club I had hidden under the bed.  Then, I kicked his dead butt under the bed.  I even gave him a pillow.  Then, I pranced back to the restaurant to join you.”

“Why did Mr. Sherwood have a subscription to SMUT magazine hidden in a golf bag?”  Natalie asked.

“He wanted to see if I’d make good on my promise. And, I did!  I was featured in last week’s issue.”

The officers had removed the cuffs from the others, and Officer Grimm handed the magazine to Buddy.

Buddy flipped through the pages and let out the hearty laugh he was famous for.  It sure sounded like the laugh of a true-blooded sailor.  “Oh boy!  You look good, girl!”

“Lemme see, Old boy!”  James butted in.

“It’s my turn, man.”  Russ said.

Even Robert got in on the action.  “This is better than a TV Guide cover.  You didn’t need me for this pose.”
     Louise was led away as the rest of the cast stood there in slight dismay.

“Well, so much for a good sitcom.”  Russ said.

“You said it, Teach.”  Buddy added.

“What will happen to us now?”  Dawn asked.

“It looks like reunion movies, cartoon voiceovers and occasional appearances on Tattoo’s Island.”  James offered from his experiences in the past.

“That’s the truth.”  Robert said.  “I’d think it’s about time for us to say ‘That’s a wrap.’   Fade to black!”